By A.J. Llewellyn
So with the economic slump still in force (no matter what the TV pundits claim) I took a catering job this week and found it was grueling but fun work. I am a food whore so this was also a side benefit, free eats.
I was amazed at the array of catering staff. There were four writers, five actors, a poet, a musician, a war vet...but I was particularly tickled by a woman I shall name Zelda who is a hooker. Not just any hooker. Zelda has a niche field.
She whores out her titties (her words, not mine) and for around $100 allows guys to come over and jerk off into her er...massive assets. Zelda is proud of her ability to eke out a living with her breasts, but now that she too is experiencing a 'slight financial crisis' she refuses to corrupt her niche by having actual sex with her clients.
Business isn't bad she told me, except that some guys have been finding it difficult to come up with cash. So Zelda, being another food whore, will work for saucepans. Yep, saucepans. She told us that she's given discounts to regulars (a nice thing to do when you work in customer service) but newcomers who ask her to reduce her rate are scolded. One guy told her he had a brand new ten-piece saucepan set he'd give her in exchange for her services.
She asked him to email her a pic and he did. The entire wait staff at this big Hollywood shindig stopped working to examine the pic as she showed it to us on her camera phone.
The pans looked good to me but then what do I know? I'm much more interested in what is going on inside a pot than outside of it.
She told us the client went to her house and had his fun and she kept her eye on the prize: the saucepans. He's going back next week with a George Foreman grill - not really, I just made that up, but really, it got me thinking.
The saucepans cost way more than a hundred bucks and were unopened. Where did he get them? Did he pinch them from his wife? A store? Did they 'fall off the back of a truck?'
"I gave them a good washing," Zelda said. "Not that I cook much, but they look so pretty in my kitchen."
This didn't make sense to me. "Why didn't you sell them on Ebay if they're new and worth good money?"
She looked embarrassed. "I took them into one of those Ebay shops. they wanted 30% of the sale and they told me they probably wouldn't sell too good because of the shipping charges."
She became upset when other people mentioned Craigslist and Pennysaver.
"I made a good deal," she shouted. "I got expensive saucepans."
Yes, that to her are apparently completely useless.
"Is there any cooking utensil you wouldn't work for?" Our boss asked her. He said it jokingly but she took it seriously.
"Potato peelers," she said. "I already got way too many of those."