By A.J. Llewellyn
Most of us have heard about pheromones...those intangible things that give you the irresistible urge to jump in some more man's - or woman's - lap and lick their faces. We'd all love to have it...some of us think we have it.
Who has it?
* My man Herve
*I'm stopping before I get in trouble with Herve...but you get the idea.
Who doesn't have it?
*Mel Gibson. Sorry Mel, if you think that cute Russian singer really, truly fancies your saggy-faced ass, think again. She's after your $$$.
So anyway, some doctor has been working overtime in his science lab perfecting pheromones so you can, as he puts it, 'bend the laws of attraction.'
Since pheromones have something to do with the hairs in your nose and invisible membranes, you've got to admire his efforts, but I've seen enough episodes of Bewitched to know how badly things can go when you try to control nature.
Dr. Virgil Amend (does that sound like a porn star name or what?) has cooked up what he calls the Pheromone Advantage and for $39.95 you can buy a two month supply.
Firstly, I want to know how he can judge how much sex appeal you want to buy for two months?
what if you have an unnatural desire to 'bend the laws of attraction' a lot?
There's a store on Cahuenga Boulevard in Hollywood called Panpipes where for years, the previous owner George kindly mixed a blend of oils he called "George's Special" for the hookers on Hollywood Boulevard.
George was a lovely guy and said the johns loved the scent he created.
The hookers loved the...er..rewards it reaped.
Panpipes stills sells it...I have no idea how much it goes for these days, but it does the same job for a lot less money than the bendy-law thing.
In my single days, I just had to buy some "George's Special" and trotted in there, overlooking the strange penis candles and hexing kits in search of this tiny, miracle bottle.
I met a couple of swell hookers in there who dotted the oil between their massive titties and hoiked them into my face. They do this when cars rolled by, they explained and blimey!
I almost turned straight! I was rubbing my face like a big horny dog in those big mamas!
But I digress.
I was a useless pick-up for the hookers and I failed to attract much attention from hot guys, even though I plastered myself daily with "George's Special." I still have half a bottle in my medicine cabinet. Why, I don't know. But I do know this. I attracted a lot of bees.
I'd rather take my chances with nature, which has somehow managed to work for me. What if I bought the bendy-law thing and like every other bloody man-made thing in this world, it suddenly became obsolete?
Nope...I'll just take my chances just being me...