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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Me & My Big Fat Butt Update

Okay, I just had to give you all the updated scoop on just what I did with me and my bottom for my EPICon New Orleans trip. After all, it’s my duty as a writer to put down my experience on paper and let the world know just exactly what happened to me.

Well, just like I told you last week I was so freaked out that they might throw me off the plane I just had to come up with something to at least make me appear a little smaller. Like I had said, I am working on it and lost another 2 pounds this week I’m sure from stress. So I started scouring the internet with things to wear in my search for a more slim body albeit unnaturally so.

I finally decided to settle on a body suit from HSN. I mean, it couldn’t be any different than the corset I wear for doing the renaissance guild stuff I participate in…right? So I place my order and wait for it to arrive. It had taken me quite a while to decide on what I wanted to do that I had to ship the item priority thus making it a mere $56 and change to get it to my house on time. And this was a bargain as well because when searching the internet I found I could spend up to $200 for something to help shape my dilemma.

Heck, I could have purchased another airline ticket for that price! LOL! My bodysuit would be a bargain. So, I waited.

On Friday morning I received a message from HSN stating my item had been shipped. I had a momentary panic as I thought they had just shipped it and the darn thing would arrive after I was gone. Copying the shipping number into the UPS system, I was pleasantly surprised to find the item would indeed arrive that very day.

My office is in the front of my house and has a big picture window where I can watch the world go by without people ever knowing I sit seeing their every move. So when the UPS truck pulled up I waited until he rang the doorbell. Going outside, I was surprised that I had to sign for the small package. Surely this wasn’t right.

The UPS guy, who I’ve known for years, just smiled at me. “Small package.”

I smile back. “Lingerie.”

He lifted his head just like he knew what was in the package. “Oh.”

I signed the pad and handed it back. “Now don’t get any ideas and go telling everyone.”

“Not a problem. See you next time.”

If I had my way, there wouldn’t be a next time. I close the door and race back to my office, shutting the door behind me. The teenager just knew it was for him and asked through the door what the UPS man had brought. I told him it was mine and not to worry.

“But what is it?” he inquired, loud enough to make the puppy think it was play time. It didn’t take long to hear their exchange. “Jasper, stop it…I’m talking to Mom…quit barking.”

As I tore open the package, I answered him. “It’s for me…don’t worry about it…why don’t you play with the dog? Work out some of his energy for me.”

“You can’t tell me what you got?”



Geez, same answer as the UPS guy. Then again, it wasn’t their business. They didn’t need to know what I was doing to conceal my butt size from the world. But holding this new fangled contraption in front of me, I wondered what I had got myself into and waited for the dear husband to get home. As I sat there writing and waiting for him, I verified again that they hadn’t sent me the wrong size as it was so small. That was the only way to describe it as I held it up to my body.

It wasn’t long until my DH got home and came into my office, inquiring if my package had arrived. I nodded and held it up.

“Oh,” he said and held it up. By now it was getting dark and my shade no longer worked as everything was back lit.

“Do you have to hold it up for the world to see?” I asked.

He grinned. “Let’s go see how it fits.”

“Come on now. It’s obviously too small.”

He looks at the size. “Actually, it’s a size bigger than what you normally wear.”

I frown at him. “Yeah, it is. I wanted to make sure it fits.”

“It should…see it’s stretchy.” He pulled the side out and let go, only to be smacked in the face with the darn thing.

I tried hard to conceal my smile as I got up, grabbed the body suit and walked to the bedroom. I hear the DH yell at the teenager not to disturb us and shake my head as I could imagine just what was going through his mind. I pull off my clothes and stand there holding the body suit. This would be an adventure in itself. Putting in one leg, I was surprised to find it did stretch to accommodate me.

Now to make a long story short, you really don’t want to know everything we both said as I struggled to get into this thing. Hell, this was worse than the corsets I wore with my garb. As I finally get it up over the bottom, I realize I’m going to have to lie down to get all the hooks closed. Yeah, it had a zipper along with hooks and eyes. God, I want to know what sadist invented these things.

At this point, the DH stops laughing long enough to tell me he’ll help me but he’s wondering just how I will ever do this by myself. As he hovers over me, he talks about how fun it would be to get me out of this thing. All I can do is to growl at him. It takes him a few moments of trial and error before he finally gets it right. I just lay there knowing this is exactly how a beached whale feels.

Slowly, I stand with his help and found it wasn’t half bad. I could actually breathe and move and bend and walk. I put on the pants I would be wearing on the plane and was told the black material actually looked slimming on me. Matter of fact, the DH informed me, it looked damn good.

I proceeded to wear the thing that evening to get used to how it moved with me and how I felt. I wanted no surprises on the trip. The only thing wrong was it really pulled on the shoulders. I didn’t discover the adjustable part of the strap until I put the thing on again on Monday morning.

So, Monday comes and I dress in the contraption again. I smile as I get on the plane since no one says a thing to me. I make sure the seat belt can fit before I even sit down. I put everything in the overhead bins and slide into the window seat. Slowly, I sit, thinking I am going to have a hard time getting into the 17 inch space. I slide in with inches to spare. I sit there realizing I probably hadn’t needed the contraption at all because I have at least almost two on each side.

I sit there reveling in the feeling as the seat belt slides on very easy. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, I really needed the extra support to squeeze it all in. I give a tentative smile to the older couple who sit beside me. I eventually tell my row mate my dilemma and she’s smiles, telling me I really didn’t have anything to worry about. She then points out at least five other people around me who had a little more girth than I did.

I then realized, the woman was right and I really shouldn’t have worried about a thing. Just like the DH had said in the beginning when I had started worrying in the first place. The whole trip passes quickly except the landing during a storm. But that’s a story for another day. Just suffice it to say, I landed in New Orleans a little wiser about my body size and thankful I hadn’t puked in the plane from the bumpy ride. It would have been a first.

Do you all have an experience with something which didn’t quite turn out like you imagined? Share it with me and your name will end up in the hat for a copy of one of my books this week. See you next…until then…have a great one!



s7anna said...

I am so glad that it all went well Lynn. Curious question, what kind of shaper thingie did you get? I bought a pair of Spanx once...holy freakin' sh*t was it difficult to get into...not to mention breathe in...Never again!

As for an experience that turned out much differently than I expected...well I'd have to go with getting my first tattoo...I was worried about the pain level going in (b/c everyone always talks about how painful it is) and surprisingly it went well...I mean I felt pain but it was the noise of the buzzing needle that unnerved me more than anything.

Happy Reading
Anna Shah Hoque

Lynn Crain said...


The one I got was a one piece body suit from HSN. It reminded me of the type of girdles my mother wore when I was a kid. Once on it's comfy but getting it there was bad.

That's interesting about the tattoo. I've always wondered about the pain myself but I can see how the noise would unnerve you. I think that would bother me as well.

Thanks for stopping by!


Erin Sinclair said...

Does a man count? LOL


Lynn Crain said...

LOL! Always!


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