Bite Me

By A.J. Llewellyn

Have you read the crazy wild story about the Connecticut woman who handcuffed herself to her sleeping, estranged husband and when he woke up and called 911 in total panic, she bit him?
Yeah, that'll keep a man in the palm of your hand.
Yesterday morning, my best friend Tony swanned into town to spend a couple of days with me and we listened to the report on the radio.
It was painful just listening to Robert Drawbough's agonized screams on the 911 tape as his deranged ex-wife kept chomping on his torso and arms.
"I need help!" the victim can be heard screaming. Followed by a horrifying, "Aaarggghh!"
"Turn it off," Tony shuddered and I suddenly remembered a time many years ago when his angry estranged girlfriend broke into HIS house and glued his dick to his poor, innocent balls.
Yep, she really did. I know, because we were roommates at the time and I was the one who drove him to the emergency room at three o'clock in the morning.
It wasn't funny then and it is sort of giggle-worthy now, but then it wasn't my twig and giggle berries that suffered such indignities.
I remember at the time that Tony's 'crime' against the girl was to break it off with her because her drinking was out of control and she refused to get help.
If you're a nutter and your loved one has chosen to extricate him or herself from your possessive grip, chances are, violent behavior will only cement their belief that you are certifiable.
Look, we've all done bizarre things for what Freddie Mercury called 'this crazy little thing called love.'
I know I have.
I'm embarrassed to admit I am famous in my circles for once doing a drive by on an estranged boyfriend's house. Yep there I was at midnight in my old Impala, craning out the window to see if he was with another man and oops...I took out a fire hydrant and all the neighbors' garbage bins right out front.
He came out in his underpants to see what all the noise was.
Smooth, AJ, smooth.
It never occurred to me to maim him. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Of course, this embarrassing episode has never been forgotten. I ran into my ex a few months ago and he asked me how things were and then casually said, "Been attacked by any fire hydrants lately?"
At least my moment of love insanity didn't make the news. It was an expensive mistake (new radiator, new garbage bins, city bill for fire hydrant repairs, ka-ching!) but spare a thought for the idiot woman who decided her husband looked tasty in the wee hours of a deranged, bad-idea morning.
Would you wanna date her?
Her mug shot makes her look scary and the 911 tape will be around in perpetuity.
I kept thinking of Hannibal Lecter and wondered if Crazy Ex-Wife would request some fava beans and a nice Chianti when the cops arrived...
This also got me wondering...I asked Tony whatever happened to his ex and he told me she runs a brothel out in Vegas.
I bet it's a damned kinky joint, too.
But this has me curious.
How deranged can YOU get? What lengths have you gone to in trying to hold onto somebody YOU love?

Aloha oe,

A.J.