I admit I am a reality show junkie. I don’t care if the show takes place in a jungle, on a stage, or some other exotic location, I just have to watch it. I’m drawn to these things like a fat kid to candy. So you can imagine my joy when several shows premiered this week. My joy turned to dismay when I noticed that year after year contestants insist on making the same mistakes. Don’t they watch these shows before they go on them? I decided that maybe some of them don’t so I decided to make a list of sorts for them to help them survive. A Spark Notes if you will for Reality Show 101
1.Don’t try to form an alliance your first day there. You may as well wear a T-shirt emblazoned with, “Sneaky, but stupid!”
2.Whatever you do, don’t become a loud bossy-pants. It will remind your tribe mates of their boss back home and they went halfway across the world, are eating bugs, and dressed in rags just to avoid the louse.
3.For God’s sake, don’t show up the first day in high heels or a business suit. The producers have never in the history of reality shows given contestants time to change into something more comfortable. They know viewers will enjoy seeing you struggle for a month in a pair of chaffing trousers.
4.On the other hand, ladies, wear a bra. That way the production crew doesn’t have to waste precious time blurring out your happy pillows.
5.A month before you go, find yourself a Boy Scout and have them teach you how to make a frigging fire.
6.Eat as much food as possible before you get there. Think of yourself as a bear fattening itself up before hibernation. That way when all your skinny tribe mates are wasting away to nothing, you can live off you fat stores as you laugh your way to victory.
7.Don’t run around naked. Unless you have the body of a supermodel it will just make everyone uncomfortable and your children will have to see this on TV someday. Who wants to go to school with Ugly Naked Lady’s kid?
8.Don’t be the lazy one that lounges around while the rest of tribe runs around like worker bees. Divas have no place in the jungle, island, or third world country.
9.Learn karate. That way if you get too hungry you can always Kung Fu Charlie the camera guy and steal his burger.
10.Think before you go. You will be spending a month around wretched people, in wretched conditions, eating wretched food and even if you do win, the government is going to take half of it in taxes. Is it really worth it?