I'm still in Waikiki and my friend Tony is still in a dilemma after kissing another man the other night over whether or not he is gay. I don't think he is to be honest, but I've enjoyed watching him wrestle with the idea. I mean, he was dead drunk when he kissed the guy in question and if he ever got a glimpse of the guy he manhandled the other night at Hula's Bar and Lei Stand I might have to bury him. He would just not want to live anymore. Anyhoo, last night over virgin Hawaiian iced tea, we watched the news and there was a report on the Hawaii's Most Beautiful Man Contest.
Tony started jumping up and down because not one of the five finalists gave him 'wood.'
"That doesn't mean anything," I told him. "I'm gay and I am not particularly turned on by any of them, except…if the guy on the far left turned up in my bedroom, I wouldn't make him sleep on the sofa."
"Geez, AJ. You mean….I might still be gay?"
I was about to tell him to relax. It's been four days since his girl walked out on him. Mind you, I think she had a point. He is a fabulous guy but he could get a little friendlier with the idea of fiscal responsibility and things like doing dishes and…changing his socks occasionally.
"We have to go to another gay bar," he insisted, picking up his Gay Hawaii brochure – wait, where did he find that?? – and flipped through it. "Let's go to Angles, AJ."
"The hottest gay bar in Honolulu, AJ. Look, it says right here. Where cool breezes and hot bodies come together in the heart of gay Waikiki."
How does he find out this stuff? "Er…you might want to change, Tony."
"What's wrong with this?"
"You're wearing underpants and a wife beater."
"The guys might like it, AJ."
"The guys would love it if you looked like Steve Cruz -"
"A very hot gay porn star."
"I could look like a gay porn star if I worked out a bit. Is there much money in gay porn, AJ?"
"Get dressed, Tony," I snapped. And he did. I don't think he was very comfortable. I can't remember the last time he put on pants that didn't have Velcro snaps. He waddled up Kuhio Avenue.
"My panties are in a bunch," he whined. Oh geez, he is gay! "And my shoes hurt."
We stopped on the street and I looked down. "You've got your shoes on the wrong feet."
"That explains it." He sat on the pavement like a little kid, swapped shoes, stood up and his entire pants split up the back.
"That'll make things…easier once we get in there," I grinned, once I stopped laughing.
"Wait. I'm not going in there like this."
"Why not? Aren't you comfortable?"
"They can see my tighty whities, AJ."
"Not so tight there, Tony. "
"So, they're a few years old…" he shrugged.
We walked on up and the music flooded out and within a minute, Tony was hunched on a stool, his back to the wall and I was buying the Mai Tais. I sidled back to him.
"Think anyone can see my underwear?" he fretted. I checked. It crossed my mind to freak him out and lie, but I assured him his er…assets were safe from prying eyes.
"There's a guy across the room staring at me," he whispered. "Is that the guy I kissed the other night?"
I looked over. He was an Adonis. Talk about wishful thinking. "No, Tony, that's not him."
"Was he cute?"
I hesitated telling him the truth when a guy in chaps, his bare, naked ass hanging out of his pants blew past us.
"That looks mighty comfortable." Tony leaned over the table for a closer look. I saw the drinks slide, saw his stool topple over and before I could stop him, Tony hurled head first into the arms of another leather daddy walking by.
"Hey big guy," the leather daddy grinned.
"Wanna kiss me?" Tony asked and the leather daddy laughed.
"Geez," Tony said when I bought us a fresh round and he was back against the wall, hiding his underpants. "I get rejected by everybody. Men and women."
"I'm thinking he was looking for younger, skinnier fare, Tony."
"Hmmph. " He scratched his chin and a funny look came over his face. "Well, fuck me!"
"Look, Tony. I thought we already had this discussion."
"No, not you…look. There's two chicks over there giving me the eye!"
I turned to look.
"Why did you do that?" he hissed.
"You told me to look!" I was surprised to find these two chicks really did seem to be giving Tony "the eye" and the women joined us for cocktails. And just like that, Tony discovered he wasn't gay after all and I, AJ Llewellyn returned to Tony's place alone. Just me and my computer. I turned on the late news and surfed the news broadcasts in search of repeats of the Hawaii's Most Beautiful Man Contest.
Even in Paradise, beggars cannot be choosers.
Currently listening : E Essential By Noiseworks Release date: 2007-04-30